Partnerships are based on mutual attraction – inexplicable, magical, all at once. What everyone desires most deeply is an “attraction of inspiration” fed by benevolence, affection, eye-level and security.

But there is also that other kind of attraction that is unhealthy and destructive: the “attraction of deprivation and paucity”. It is characterized by manipulation, unmet needs, emotional insecurity. This kind of attraction is poisonous and destructive. A partnership based on this attraction is a toxic one.

In toxic relationships, there is an imbalance: Your partner wants something from you, needs you to make up for their own shortcomings. He / she uses you at your expense and manipulates you. Hard to believe, but such an attraction founded on deprivation, want and unfulfilled needs is extremely difficult to break. Sometimes it becomes the work of a lifetime. Such partnerships are often intertwined and entangled; it is usually impossible to simply leave. Because there are inexplicable inner fetters/chains that make it easier for you to stay than to walk away. This is a form of dependency –and it can be unwound.

Perhaps you recognize this toxic attraction in your partnership, maybe you are just in the process of breakup. Then ask yourself three questions:

1. Do you want to separate for good and out of conviction?

If you’ve made that decision, you´re half way there already. Because it’s about your well-being, self-esteem and healthy self-love: you do not have to endure a toxic relationship, you also have a right to a dignifying partnership.

2. Which patterns of your behavior are susceptible to manipulation and deprivation?

This question is the key to your situation and will help you with your choice of partner in the future. It is a vast and far-reaching question, it takes honest self-reflection and cannot always be mastered alone. Seek help if you get stuck here.

3. How can you finally detach yourself emotionally?

The mere external act of walking out the door will not do the entire trick. The inner bonds of a toxic relationship persist for much longer and must gently be loosened and unwound. That takes a lot of strength, energy and courage. For your own sanity and well-being.

If you’re still in the midst of a toxic relationship and feel lost sometimes, then stick to one firm belief: the choice is yours. So choose.

Picture credits: Pixabay/6920918

You know that breaking up with your partner is unavoidable, it just cannot go on any longer. Terrible, because everything you’ve believed in is now bound to dissipate. For a mother or a father, the greatest concern is the well-being of children: how will they cope? Will they survive the break-up? Are they now “divorce children”, will they be harmed? This is terribly tormenting for parents who break up, and usually the bad conscience gnaws at both parents.
Separation is a dramatic event for a child that can challenge all his trust and beliefs: Mom and Dad are always there for me. Really, even now? Mom and Dad love me. Or do they, even if one of them moves out? That’s what parents are aware of, that’s what drives them and moves them deep in their hearts.

There are several ways to support a child through the breakup of their parents.
The first one is a realization: a marriage where parents only argue is painful for all involved, including the children. Children quickly notice when something is wrong and suffer from it. So, if there’s nothing left between the partners, from the childrens´ perspective, a good separation is probably better than a family in trouble.
The second way of support is you feeling fine/at ease with yourself. Then your child can regain its confidence in the situation. The message you´re conveying to your children is: It’s not like it used to be, but I’m fine, and I can take care of you. So, take good care of yourself, try to overcome the grudges of separation constructively. Get involved in your new life, and if that’s hard for you, seek help.
The third way of supporting your children during breakup is: be attuned to your children, see their needs and fulfill them. Listen to them, pay attention, give them the extra cuddle in the evening. This will strengthen your child’s confidence in the new situation: a great deal has changed, but I’m important to Mom and Dad, they love me and take care of me. This is essential and very calming.
And finally, the fourth suggestion is for you to try and develop a constructive relationship with your ex-partner aimed at giving everyone theirspace. That may be difficult at first, but it is possible. A new life with new rules, with constructive agreements on holidays and birthdays, with possibilities of patchwork. All of this can open up. Even over a breakup situation it is possible for you to grow as a person.
That is good for your child and for you.

Picture credits: Pixabay/Jill111

As if breakup wasn’t painful enough: everyday you get into discussions on the simplest of things with your ex-partner because he/she  keeps ignoring your informal agreements. Or changes his/her plans last minute, and thereby your plans. He is so unreliable. She is unpredictable. And every time it strikes, you stand there stifled, scrambling and dumbfounded.

When children are affected it gets especially dramatic: the “handover” of the kids to the former partner is a very emotional encounter anyway. If on top of this, the other side constantly messes up or violates your agreements your kids are the next to suffer.

Your ex is really stupid, right? Pestering your life, destroying your inner peace and annoying you beyond measure. Give these feelings some time to actually sink in … the anger, the desperation, the ire towards your ex !

And next, take some time to ponder and reflect why the situation is as it is. Is it just because of your impertinent ex? Or could it be that you also have a role in all of this, by sometimes making it easy for your ex to walk right over you  and your interests? Maybe only by allowing something to happen rather than clearly voicing your opinion? Could that also be a reason why you are getting so fired up?

If you see this happening with you, don´t worry: you are not alone. Not everyone has been so fortunate as to learn being reasonable to oneself or to recognize and formulate their own wishes and needs. But you can do some catching up. Lots of catching up, in fact. Like expressing your opinion, wishes and needs to others at the right moment, in a friendly but determined manner. Especially in a break-up, even more when children are affected. Because aren’t you the role model for your children in everything you do?

Be gentle and generous with yourself; this is a process and it won’t all happen at once. Take one step at a time. It is worth it, because you will be reaching a point where you will feel much more at ease when taking a stand for yourself.

You can’t change other people. Changing yourself you can do. And with that, you can start changing those awkward situations too.

Picture credits: Pixabay / kdzwonek