Partnerships are based on mutual attraction – inexplicable, magical, all at once. What everyone desires most deeply is an “attraction of inspiration” fed by benevolence, affection, eye-level and security.

But there is also that other kind of attraction that is unhealthy and destructive: the “attraction of deprivation and paucity”. It is characterized by manipulation, unmet needs, emotional insecurity. This kind of attraction is poisonous and destructive. A partnership based on this attraction is a toxic one.

In toxic relationships, there is an imbalance: Your partner wants something from you, needs you to make up for their own shortcomings. He / she uses you at your expense and manipulates you. Hard to believe, but such an attraction founded on deprivation, want and unfulfilled needs is extremely difficult to break. Sometimes it becomes the work of a lifetime. Such partnerships are often intertwined and entangled; it is usually impossible to simply leave. Because there are inexplicable inner fetters/chains that make it easier for you to stay than to walk away. This is a form of dependency –and it can be unwound.

Perhaps you recognize this toxic attraction in your partnership, maybe you are just in the process of breakup. Then ask yourself three questions:

1. Do you want to separate for good and out of conviction?

If you’ve made that decision, you´re half way there already. Because it’s about your well-being, self-esteem and healthy self-love: you do not have to endure a toxic relationship, you also have a right to a dignifying partnership.

2. Which patterns of your behavior are susceptible to manipulation and deprivation?

This question is the key to your situation and will help you with your choice of partner in the future. It is a vast and far-reaching question, it takes honest self-reflection and cannot always be mastered alone. Seek help if you get stuck here.

3. How can you finally detach yourself emotionally?

The mere external act of walking out the door will not do the entire trick. The inner bonds of a toxic relationship persist for much longer and must gently be loosened and unwound. That takes a lot of strength, energy and courage. For your own sanity and well-being.

If you’re still in the midst of a toxic relationship and feel lost sometimes, then stick to one firm belief: the choice is yours. So choose.

Picture credits: Pixabay/6920918

Anyone in a working environment knows that not everyone is always in a good mood. There are personal hang-ups, fluctuating moods, short bursts of anger or distress, but by and large, most people recover quickly and continue to perform normally in the workplace.

If your colleague is experiencing a private separation, these things are different. Hardly anything drives down your professional performance more than a separation or divorce. It is only rivalled by the death of a partner. The consequences are equally grave: the affected person is inattentive, lost in thought, not on the job. The immune system is often at a low point, he / she becomes more susceptible to illness. Also the psyche suffers enormously: sadness, melancholy and depression can be the result. And it happens that the once so balanced employee starts becoming unpredictable.

Break-up is a private matter. Many people do succeed in keeping it apart from professional matters. But separation is existential. That’s why some people suffer longer than others. Because physiologically, human beings are creatures of affinity. What is so biologically entrenched in the human brain bravely opposes a separation. As long as someone hangs in this loop, the view to the future is blocked. Therefore, a conscious and sustainable separation is important for life to continue in a self-determined way. It ends suffering for the individual in both its private and professional roles.

What becomes an issue in small and medium-sized companies is that there are often rather few key employees. Integrated, reliable, appreciated. Then a separation happens in their private lives, and this employee is only a shadow of his/herformer self. For small businesses this can be a tremendous challenge … or, in the best of cases, a cue to leave beaten tracks in dealing with employees troubled by personal breakup.

Some people succeed in managing a breakup for themselves. Others are grateful for external help: they can quickly get back on their feet in terms of efficient and time-efficient separation coaching, restating them to their full potential, at work and beyond.

Conscious Uncoupling Coaching, the individual coaching for conscious separation, leads to new strength and personal growth in or after a breakup in six clearly defined sessions. It involves processing of the most intense emotions, it lights the path back towards self-responsibility, new perspectives and constructive communication.

This will benefit the coachee personally and directly.In his private life to begin with. But new skills and strengths, personal growth and development are also transmitted into the workplace with positive effect. All the personal qualities needed to cope with breakup are appreciated here: self-responsibility, initiative, balance, cooperative communication.

A person at peace with him/herself (again), can also perform (again) to the best of his/her capabilities. A win-win situation.

Any questions? My pleasure:

Dr. Annette Oschmann, www.annette-oschmann.de, info@annette-oschmann.de

Picture credits: Pixabay/Lukas_Rychvalsky

You know that breaking up with your partner is unavoidable, it just cannot go on any longer. Terrible, because everything you’ve believed in is now bound to dissipate. For a mother or a father, the greatest concern is the well-being of children: how will they cope? Will they survive the break-up? Are they now “divorce children”, will they be harmed? This is terribly tormenting for parents who break up, and usually the bad conscience gnaws at both parents.
Separation is a dramatic event for a child that can challenge all his trust and beliefs: Mom and Dad are always there for me. Really, even now? Mom and Dad love me. Or do they, even if one of them moves out? That’s what parents are aware of, that’s what drives them and moves them deep in their hearts.

There are several ways to support a child through the breakup of their parents.
The first one is a realization: a marriage where parents only argue is painful for all involved, including the children. Children quickly notice when something is wrong and suffer from it. So, if there’s nothing left between the partners, from the childrens´ perspective, a good separation is probably better than a family in trouble.
The second way of support is you feeling fine/at ease with yourself. Then your child can regain its confidence in the situation. The message you´re conveying to your children is: It’s not like it used to be, but I’m fine, and I can take care of you. So, take good care of yourself, try to overcome the grudges of separation constructively. Get involved in your new life, and if that’s hard for you, seek help.
The third way of supporting your children during breakup is: be attuned to your children, see their needs and fulfill them. Listen to them, pay attention, give them the extra cuddle in the evening. This will strengthen your child’s confidence in the new situation: a great deal has changed, but I’m important to Mom and Dad, they love me and take care of me. This is essential and very calming.
And finally, the fourth suggestion is for you to try and develop a constructive relationship with your ex-partner aimed at giving everyone theirspace. That may be difficult at first, but it is possible. A new life with new rules, with constructive agreements on holidays and birthdays, with possibilities of patchwork. All of this can open up. Even over a breakup situation it is possible for you to grow as a person.
That is good for your child and for you.

Picture credits: Pixabay/Jill111

Sometimes everything just gets to be too much: The bread crumbs in the kitchen, the worn socks in the bedroom, the open lipstick in the bathroom, not to mention toothpaste out of open lids or all the stuff around the house that could use a refill – you’ve got all of this on your agenda anyway. And then next thing to happen is he’s coming home and grabs the newspaper first. Or she returns home and the first thing she does is escape with her favorite book.

That can drive you mad, can’t it? And then you burst and vent all the air, non-specific, always generalizing of course: “Why do you always have to …?”, “You never care about …”, “You always …”. And in almost no time you find yourself in a communication pattern that sounds as bumpy and uncomfortable in any language as it actually is: nagging, beefing or bellyaching, “geindre” or “chipoter sur qc” in French or “nörgeln” in German.

Aargh. That’s not you, right? Your ways are so relaxed and easy-going, you communicate openly and solution-oriented, you value different opinions, you appreciate your partner. But now he / she is to blame for everything, and you spell that out quite clearly, too clearly. This pollutes the mood and the air around you. When it keeps on recurring, it takes away the ease of conviviality, and love can no longer swing … to the point of disappearing.

So take a look at the real reasons why you’re nagging. They may have very little to do with mistakes, guilt or inadequacies of your partner.

One real reason is: you are dissatisfied with yourself. Something is wrong in your life, you have lost yourself, you are no longer living according to your ideas and values, you are not in harmony with yourself. But sometimes one is unable to realize that by oneself. Sometimes it is simply more convenient to blame somebody else than to take on change yourself.

The other reason for your nagging is that you secretly envy the other for his or her inner attitude. Just ignore what needs to be done – impossible! Do nothing and rather care for your own well-being – what a terrible thought if everybody were acting in this irresponsible way! Taking it easy with our responsibilities–to which dark place would that lead us ?The real truth is: you could actually use all of this lax attitude, because life is just getting to be too much. You can feel that subliminally, for example in those moments where you observe your partner taking it easy. Secretly you envy him/her for his/her attitude of laissez faire.

So nagging becomes an indicator that you should take care of yourself more. Your needs and wishes, your well-being, your ideas. Overcome the inner voices who keep on telling you “you must, you have to”. What does your partner do differently, where is he just taking it easy? Take heart and learn from her / him.

You are nagging because the other one does everything wrong? Basically he’s doing a lot right.

Picture credits: Pixabay/StockSnap

You’re an achiever, aren’t you ? You perform all your duties, as an employee, a father or mother, as a partner, in institutions as a social being. The household is running smoothly, the children are fine, the daily program is always set.

And there is always something to do, isn’t that so ?

In light of all of this – when was the last time you actually thought of yourself? Your personal break built into our modern life. The little time-out to enjoy, do nothing and let go, experiencing oneself, exploring your desires and needs.

Hit the off button, deliberately. Leave everything where it is. Not that things will get done automatically then, they´ll just still be around. Just don´t look at them, but rather look at only you:

Spoil yourself!

Spoil yourself with something that makes you happy. Chocolate with cream, a beach chair in the sun, a hot bath with unreasonable amounts of foam, a candle at dinner, the shoes you can afford but do not dare to wear. Go to the stadium with friends, paint on a big screen, unrestrained netflixing, and on and on it goes.

Spoil yourself with time, with things, with hobbies. Leave your bad conscience behind for a moment, even better: do not feel guilty. It’s your decision, it’s what you stand for as a person. If you pamper yourself, you are with you. You are perceiving yourself, you are taking yourself serious. Being authentic. Through all of this you are actually doing a good service to yourself and the ones around  you.

In a partnership, this is essential for an affectionate togetherness at eye level. In a separation, this is the very first step of processing and healing.

Pamper yourself. You cannot treat yourself in any better way. In turn, this will also be beneficial for the ones who surround you and need you.

Picture credits: Pixabay/silviarita

You are special, unique, a sparkling diamond. Beautiful, smart, warmhearted. You have many wonderful qualities, many strengths, a few endearing weaknesses, you are an all-out wonderful human being. Someone special.This is a deep conviction of mine about human beings. But do you believe that too?

To be small is easy and comfortable. You cannot be this, cannot do that, and you may be keeping a long list of deficiencies / shortcomings on yourself.Know what? Write them down, all your shortcomings. And then shred your list, with pleasure and pure delectation. Because the list is not right. The truth is:you are special.

American author Marianne Williamson spoke wise words which have become familiar to many of us. Here´s an excerpt:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” (From: A Return to Love)

That goes for you, that goes for everyone. You’re special. Become aware of your power.

Your own power to recognize your own value carries you much further. Anyone who appreciates themselves is also perceived differently by his/her own partner in a partnership: The appreciation of your partner begins with you. You’re special. Go see for yourself!

And conversely, as long as you do not value yourself, hardly anyone else will. Not even your partner, from whom you may long for nothing more than appreciation and esteem.

Appreciating yourself has nothing to do with mindless egoism. Much to the contrary: those who value themselves are at peace with themselves. And he/she who is at peace with him/herself, is relaxed and can give generously.

You’re special. You may start seeing it that way too, now that you´ve given yourself permission. And then watch your world change with you.

 

Picture credits: Pixabay / jill111

 

As if breakup wasn’t painful enough: everyday you get into discussions on the simplest of things with your ex-partner because he/she  keeps ignoring your informal agreements. Or changes his/her plans last minute, and thereby your plans. He is so unreliable. She is unpredictable. And every time it strikes, you stand there stifled, scrambling and dumbfounded.

When children are affected it gets especially dramatic: the “handover” of the kids to the former partner is a very emotional encounter anyway. If on top of this, the other side constantly messes up or violates your agreements your kids are the next to suffer.

Your ex is really stupid, right? Pestering your life, destroying your inner peace and annoying you beyond measure. Give these feelings some time to actually sink in … the anger, the desperation, the ire towards your ex !

And next, take some time to ponder and reflect why the situation is as it is. Is it just because of your impertinent ex? Or could it be that you also have a role in all of this, by sometimes making it easy for your ex to walk right over you  and your interests? Maybe only by allowing something to happen rather than clearly voicing your opinion? Could that also be a reason why you are getting so fired up?

If you see this happening with you, don´t worry: you are not alone. Not everyone has been so fortunate as to learn being reasonable to oneself or to recognize and formulate their own wishes and needs. But you can do some catching up. Lots of catching up, in fact. Like expressing your opinion, wishes and needs to others at the right moment, in a friendly but determined manner. Especially in a break-up, even more when children are affected. Because aren’t you the role model for your children in everything you do?

Be gentle and generous with yourself; this is a process and it won’t all happen at once. Take one step at a time. It is worth it, because you will be reaching a point where you will feel much more at ease when taking a stand for yourself.

You can’t change other people. Changing yourself you can do. And with that, you can start changing those awkward situations too.

 

Picture credits: Pixabay / kdzwonek

Generosity is a very essential human trait and behavior. A trait that many seek from their partner and friends, that some actually find while others painfully miss generosity.

Generosity allows so much: development, giving and taking, a nourishing sense of togetherness.

Generosity is only a step away from you: Don´t take everything so literally. Don´t always make a big fuss about things. Let it go, if only for once. Observe everything, but overlook selectively / certain things intently. Take it and smile. Nobody is perfect, not even you. What a gift !

The opposite of generosity is a sort of pettiness / narrow-mindedness .. if not “narrow-heartedness” should such word even exist. Is that what you want? Certainly not, so try something:

Put a hand on your heart, inhale calmly, exhale calmly and feel the warmth that comes from yourself. This is nothing but love for no reason. Think of somebody else, a dear person in your life. Repeat it. Feel the warmth that spreads. This is no different than love for a good reason: for the other person. Let those sensations work for you. And then: be generous.

Be generous with yourself, in your everyday life, in your partnership, in your parenting role. Be generous with the Other, in your common life, in your partnership, in your shared responsibility for one another and for your children.

Generosity in a partnership is the foundation of love, and you feel supported when you experience the generosity of the partner. Even in a separation generosity can be an icebreaker for a better coexistence, for your own good and the well-being of your children. That depends on the situation and requires a lot of sensitivity.
Generosity is like a boomerang. Once given, it always comes back and gives warmth and security.
Be generous. It will expand your heart and your scope of action. It is so soothing.

Picture credits: Pixabay / Bess-Hamiti

Narcissists are people who appear charming and confident at first sight. But they are in fact deeply insecure and blame everyone else for everything. Denying their own mistakes and twisting facts. The need for permanent recognition is like the air the narcissist needs to breathe. That often goes along with disrespecting others. They are unable to reflect on themselves and often destroy their own partner inwardly.

Anyone who has experienced this knows the story.

Narcissism has only been recognized since 1980 as a personality disorder in the classification system for mental disorders (DSM).

Does it matter to you? No!

Why a person develops a narcissistic personality disorder is still unclear. Some assume the reasons in childhood, others assume genetic or physiological predisposition.

Does it matter to you? No!

What does matter to you is …

To recognize why you were an ideal partner for the narcissist. Often it is those very empathic and caring human beings who are especially attracted to narcissists and vice versa.

Which deeper beliefs of yours have enabled the narcissist to partner with you? Which behavioral patterns in a partnership have paved the way for the narcissist?

Conscious Uncoupling Coaching is all about these questions: why were you a good match for the narcissist? What can you change about yourself to avoid this in the future? Change and find yourself in the process.

A first hint: do not try to convince a narcissist of your opinion, of what´s called “the truth” or “reality”. This consumes time and energy and will not lead to any result. Most importantly, it will not get you inner peace.

What is more important to you: how do you finally let go of the narcissist? What forms of communication with a narcissist are there that will not hurt you? And also: what are the ways to constructively live with a narcissistic co-parenting?

Always remember: there is a life “after”. Even for you, a fulfilling, appreciative partnership is possible. Do not suffer in silence, stop saying “never again” to a partner. But rather face up to the topic and solve it in a way that is truly beneficial to you.

Not easy. Not easy at all. But possible.

Picture credits: Pixabay/trinhkien91

Healthy self-love is one of the cornerstones of a good partnership, nourishing parenting and happiness.

Wow.

Everything starts with you. That starting point cannot be found in the outside and even less in the other person. Only when you are at peace with yourself and believe in yourself, you can give in an enchanting and nourishing way: to your partner, your children and those in need.

This includes

• regularly replenishing your own energy reserves.
• lovingly caring for yourself.
• taking yourself seriously, and above all,
• knowing your own feelings and needs to begin with.

You can ask yourself some of the following questions: What is good for me just now? What advances me? Ask yourself that again and again over the course of a day, a week, a month: just pause for a minute and feel inside yourself.

Do I feel right now, in this situation, with these people, in this activity? Is this what I want and need?

In Conscious Uncoupling Coaching, I offer a special exercise derived from Tibetan Buddhism: the Tonglen Meditation. It leads us to the perception of our own feelings and needs. And, thus, paves the way for self-acceptance and healing ways of coping with separation.

Only those who take themselves seriously are taken seriously by the partner.
Only those who love themselves can love others.

Picture credits: Pixabay/silviarita

Happiness is a strange notion sometimes, isn´t it ? Are you feeling happy right now? Sometimes we don´t, sometimes we do, but that’s not a given. We think of happiness as something fleeting and often we look for it in outer appearances or we expect other people to make us happy. This can put a heavy burden on a partnership.

It is above all in our own hands how happy we feel. Three inner attitudes and behaviors do provide us with a great sense of influence: self-care, gratitude and forgiveness.

It all starts with happiness, love, healthy taking and giving: self-care. How well do you take care of yourself? Do you know your needs and do you satisfy them regularly?

The need for rest, the need for togetherness, respect and appreciation, the need for a good conversation, the need for exercise or comfortable lounging, the need to be heard and seen, the need for a warm cup of tea. Ask yourself what you need. And fulfill it. This is not selfishness, but well-understood self-care.

The second important attitude: gratitude. What are you grateful for? It’s best to write down only three things every day that you’re grateful for: maybe it´s the smell of coffee in the morning. Or a child´s laugh or a hug. Be grateful for the lunch break or feeling the wind in your hair. Be grateful for appreciative human encounters of the day. There are endless opportunities to be grateful for the many little things that we often no longer perceive in our focused everyday lives. Consciously realign your perspective !

People who are grateful cannot be angry. People who are grateful cannot be sad. People who are grateful take huge steps towards happiness.

And finally: forgive. Forgive, whoever, why, whatever it is that bothers you. Forgiveness opens and expands the heart.

But forgive only if you can. Sometimes forgiveness is not possible, that’s what you decide for yourself. There is the little sister of forgiveness: letting go. Take a step back and let go who or what oppresses you. Maybe even an appreciative release is possible. It will do you good.

Do not wait any longer. Decide to be happy. Right now.

 

Picture credits: Pixabay / HansLinde

Have you ever considered and formulated the values ​​you have? What values ​​does your partner have ? Or should have (when you’re single)?

Clarity about own and shared values ​​creates harmony inside and out.

When asked, most people say honesty is their most important value. Followed by integrity and loyalty.

Wonderful. Because now we are in the middle of it: what else is important to you? What about: safety, adventure, family, knowledge, appreciation, assertiveness, freedom, friendship …

It continues/goes on: these are your values. Do you live up to them? How? Do you take value-based decisions?

When you act detached from your values, you´ll realize that. You´ll feel uncomfortable. You start pondering. You wake up at night. You are not at peace with yourself.

If so, then set out on the journey to your values, for they are all there already. Trust in the journey.

When I moderate a discussion on values with a couple, the most astonishing developments are bound to happen. What values ​​do I stand for, what values ​​do you stand for, which ones do we share as a couple? How can everyone do that for themselves, how can we live this together?

This can be a real jolt in the partnership. A kick that allows a completely new, “value-adding”communication that ideally brings new closeness.

Particularly in a break-up situation, it can mark a turning point in (re)-discovering one’s own values: the start of a new, more authentic life.

Just start, find your values. Name them. And live them.

 

Picture credits: Pixabay / Engin_Akyurt