Sometimes everything just gets to be too much: The bread crumbs in the kitchen, the worn socks in the bedroom, the open lipstick in the bathroom, not to mention toothpaste out of open lids or all the stuff around the house that could use a refill – you’ve got all of this on your agenda anyway. And then next thing to happen is he’s coming home and grabs the newspaper first. Or she returns home and the first thing she does is escape with her favorite book.
That can drive you mad, can’t it? And then you burst and vent all the air, non-specific, always generalizing of course: “Why do you always have to …?”, “You never care about …”, “You always …”. And in almost no time you find yourself in a communication pattern that sounds as bumpy and uncomfortable in any language as it actually is: nagging, beefing or bellyaching, “geindre” or “chipoter sur qc” in French or “nörgeln” in German.
Aargh. That’s not you, right? Your ways are so relaxed and easy-going, you communicate openly and solution-oriented, you value different opinions, you appreciate your partner. But now he / she is to blame for everything, and you spell that out quite clearly, too clearly. This pollutes the mood and the air around you. When it keeps on recurring, it takes away the ease of conviviality, and love can no longer swing … to the point of disappearing.
So take a look at the real reasons why you’re nagging. They may have very little to do with mistakes, guilt or inadequacies of your partner.
One real reason is: you are dissatisfied with yourself. Something is wrong in your life, you have lost yourself, you are no longer living according to your ideas and values, you are not in harmony with yourself. But sometimes one is unable to realize that by oneself. Sometimes it is simply more convenient to blame somebody else than to take on change yourself.
The other reason for your nagging is that you secretly envy the other for his or her inner attitude. Just ignore what needs to be done – impossible! Do nothing and rather care for your own well-being – what a terrible thought if everybody were acting in this irresponsible way! Taking it easy with our responsibilities–to which dark place would that lead us ?The real truth is: you could actually use all of this lax attitude, because life is just getting to be too much. You can feel that subliminally, for example in those moments where you observe your partner taking it easy. Secretly you envy him/her for his/her attitude of laissez faire.
So nagging becomes an indicator that you should take care of yourself more. Your needs and wishes, your well-being, your ideas. Overcome the inner voices who keep on telling you “you must, you have to”. What does your partner do differently, where is he just taking it easy? Take heart and learn from her / him.
You are nagging because the other one does everything wrong? Basically he’s doing a lot right.
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